I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you're a guy. So I assume you've never been in a situation where you had to decide whether or not to have an abortion? I used to be very strongly "If I accidentally got pregnant I'd just have an abortion" and then I got pregnant.
It's a hell of a lot harder to make that call when you're actually on the spot. For some people it's easy, for other's the guilt and grief can destroy their lives. I will agree that this guy sounds like hes being an irresponsible asshole. I'm not defending him. I'm just trying to make the point that circumstances matter.
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A guy should not inherently be held responsible for a child simply because a condom was not used. There are a lot of other factors at play, and if a guy is reasonable and responsible, and has clearly communicated and had a girl agree to condomless sex with an abortion if there is pregnancy, he should NOT be responsible if she changes her mind.
I dated a girl a while back, she was on the injection BC. We agreed that if there were any pregnancy accidents that she would get an abortion. When we first were going to have sex I grabbed a condom to put on and she took it and tossed it away and said "if you are clean, you don't need that, sex is so much better without".
Two weeks later she took a pregnancy test and it was positive it turns out she had mixed up the dates on when her shot wore off. We sat there together and hugged each other and cried and talked about how terrible it was, but how we both knew we had to get an abortion. I said I would totally support her through all of it. One day her room mate called me and asked if I knew where she was, a ton of her stuff and her car were missing, and she had skipped work for the past week apparently.
She had been smoking and drinking a ton, and her room mate told me she had started shooting up heroin as well. I didn't know where she was or what her intentions were, but my biggest fears was that she was going to go off somewhere to have this child, born into life addicted to nicotine, alcohol, and heroin, its life marginalized from the very beginning, and I was going to be legally required to support her.
I felt like I was not losing control of a single incident, or night, but rather my entire life. I would be owned and controlled by this manipulative lying drug addict, and the law would be on her side. The following week was the closest I have ever come to suicide, I put together the combination of medications I would need to kill myself -. I looked at my exit package every day, and wanted so badly to just end it. The only thing that stopped me was guilt over hurting my parents and family who had always tried so hard to help me in life.
Eventually I decided against killing myself, and a month or so later the girl messaged me and said she moved across the country, had the abortion, and had finally at that point stopped using H, but her facebook is still gone, and she hasnt spoken to me since then so I really still have no way to be sure she didn't have that child.
Anyone that wants to tell me I should have to pay child support in a situation like this I think has some fucked up moral values, and while this is an extreme case, it is real. When it comes to complicated moral dilemmas, there is rarely a simple right and wrong, and the context and specifics of the situation matter.
Our legal system can really fuck over people, who were otherwise being relatively safe and reasonable, and always blaming the guy is just stupid. Look, it sounds like you're pretty jaded about this. I really think your circumstances are way outside the norm. But, you still chose to put your sperm inside her body - you chose to trust her. And unfortunately, not everyone is trustworthy and accidents do happen, you even say she "mixed up" the dates - you don't know that she was trying to get pregnant.
You're not absolved of responsibility because "she said it was ok", this isn't grade school. As you can tell by her actions, being faced with an abortion is incredibly stressful. You, as a man, simply cannot comprehend what a hard fucking choice it is. Your options when finding out about the pregnancy were to A Tell her you wanted her to abort, or B Tell her you'll support her choice either way.
I can tell you, because I know, when your SO wants you to have an abortion - it's absolutely crushing. How do you turn around from that and say, "Well I want to keep it"? I don't really want to get into my story, but I've felt the pain of losing my unborn child and I ended up in hospital after attempting suicide. The only thing that "stopped me" was my boyfriend calling an ambulance after I'd OD'd.
So I'm sorry that you had to deal with that, it really was a rough situation for you.
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But it was a situation you could have avoided by either wearing a condom, or refusing to have sex without a condom. You also can't know what would have happened to that child if she'd kept it - you simply cannot know whether she'd have kept shooting up and been neglectful, or have been a wonderful mother.
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DR could easily read: Woman mistakes when BC should be effective, falls pregnant. SO says the pregnancy is "terrible" and "life-ruining", abortion is the only option.
Woman, faced with no support, turns to drugs and alcohol. Her life falls apart. SO complains that he may have to pay child support. And the legal system would not hold the man entirely responsible for the child. That isn't how child support works. Say you thought she was neglectful and challenged her for custody - then she would have to pay the child support.
Honestly, you're acting like paying part of the financial cost of raising a child is equivalent to being entirely responsible for the child. But you're right, it isn't black and white. So why did you even make this post? I am the jaded one? You are putting a ton of words into my mouth and entirely changing my story. When she DID get pregnant I DID say I would support her either way, and I devoted my entire life and every ounce of my energy to trying to support her during that time, ignoring my own pain and fears, she did nothing but push me away, make excuses to not hang out, she quit going to work and shot up H all day I later found out.
I literally tried everything I could imagine to get to her, to help her, to tell her I loved her and would support her and make it work, but she shut me out of her life. I didn't say the pregnancy was terrible or life ruining ever to her, I only felt that way after she completely cut ties from me, and disappeared, and I knew all the drugs she was giving herself and thus the baby. I didn't say abortion was the only option, even though we had agreed to it, I told her we could try to make it work if she really wanted to.
She had tons of support, she just didnt want to deal with the decision, so she drank and shot up to make it all go away, and when I finally started just showing up at her house to try to talk to her or take her to a doctor or rehab, she skipped town and cut all contact. And it wasnt even the child support that bothered me so much, it was the fact that I care deeply about being a good parent one day and it terrified me that she could take my child, abuse all these drugs while it was growing inside her, and then potentially force me to continue giving her drug money while she mistreated my child.https://mefirealdelam.tk
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As it turns out I'm pretty sure she did abort, but she is totally off the grid so I really don't know. Even if I wanted to fight for custody, I don't know where she is or how to find her and I don't have the money to find out. She doesn't talk to friends or family any more. I made this post because I found it frustrating how absolute everyone was in the judgement of the dude in the other thread. Yeah, he was obviously an asshole, but we didn't have anywhere near the whole story, the girl may have been shady about the situation too, and I think it would just be better to gather information before raising pitchforks and burning the dude as badly as possible.
Additionally I just think this is a problem in general. I think if a couple agrees to terminate an accidental pregnancy, that the male should not hold any responsibility if the female suddenly changes her mind. Women have access to more powerful and reliable and pleasurable BC, and the final say in any abortion decision. Obviously that shouldn't change, but it should be taken into account with all the other facts of any given situation, and I think simply saying "guy had sex, he needs to pay up" is not a fair or healthy solution.
The current system really makes it impossible for a male to have sex and be certain he wont end up a father before he wants to be. Women don't have to deal with that issue in the same way, since they have access to far more reliable BC and abortions. What's funny to me is that you're complaining about what terrible things she would do to YOUR child not hers, apparently while simultaneously saying that you can't be bothered to fight for custody because it's too hard and you don't want to.
Like what do you want, man?! Because you know there is a RISK they are lying. And by having condomless sex you are a assuming the risk of STDs and b assuming the risk of the female lying and her getting pregnant. And if, but more likely when, male birth control comes around, you can bet that I will still insist that my partner if he is a stranger wears a condom because I do not want to assume the risk of having to get an abortion or having a child if I were morally opposed I suppose for the pleasure of condomless sex.
Yeah the guy in that example seems like a giant asshole, but by your logic, a guy should never have sex unless he is ready to have a child. That is just not the case in most modern societies. Abortions are widely available, even if they are emotionally stressful, people have a CHOICE, and if a female deceives a male about her intentions, he should not be responsible for a child for the next 18 years. A lot of women are not going to get abortions. It's more than just "emotionally stressful" to some people.
Yes, of course, but some women are willing to get them.
I only have sex in what I believe are loving, trusting relationships, where both parties have agreed that we would get an abortion if there were to be an accidental pregnancy. If a woman says all that, and then changes her mind, I don't think it is unreasonable to say the responsibility of the child is hers, since the guy really did everything he could short of abstinence to not become a father.
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